The Epic Blog Of Mine

The Epic Blog Of Mine
Feel good fun.

Thursday, January 31, 2013

E-LEARNING!

Just to let you guys know, I'm having E-Learning! 3 sweet days in a row followed by a weekend.
Absolutely wondeeful.
Just some informative information *it's a pun, yes* for you guys, I'll be telling you why people like E-Learning.
WHY PEOPLE LIKE E-LEARNING:
1. FAT ASSES LOVE IT.
I rike this picure a rot.
Being lazy is all trendy when it comes to being a fatass. So why not lower your health levels, energy levels and stay at home to do E-Learning? At the same time, you increase your cholesterol levels and you might stand a chance to get these fascinating diseases: Heart attack and diabetes! 
The opposite of 'm' is actually man boobs.

2. GAMERS LOVE IT
When it comes to gamers, they just love spamming games be it Xbox, PS3, or the great, universal PC.
E-Learning provides an abundance of time for them to focus more on their games, bring their gaming skills to the next level and well...
end up as a sad, miserable virtual identity on the internet that has very little exercise and is the equivalent of a fat-ass minus all the fats. 
Live the life man.
and lastly...
3.DOUCHEBAGS/TROLLS LOVE IT.
Now you may be wondering why I say this. The answer is simple. Trolls makes use of the internet to piss people off, and E-Learning is the PERFECT opportunity to make a YOLO believer commit suicide and not die, piss off Bieber fans, spam overused jokes like 'i took an arrow to the knee' as well as stereotyping funny people in this world like fatasses and people who believe in swag  *Usually they end up in McDonald's*, etcetera. 
The fries look nice.
and just to make myself laugh even more:
That'll be $3.50.
So if you're a troll or douchebag...REJOICE! *No, I'm not Christian*
Sorry dude.
-Lincoln.
(Yes, I too enjoy E-learning. Aha.)








Wednesday, January 23, 2013

WHY I CREATED THIS BLOG: A 10,000 VIEWS SPECIAL

I know my blog has hit 10,000 views and above, and to thank you guys for helping me reach the goal, I present to you a blog post you will rarely see from me in any occasion because whatever is mentioned here is completely honest and from my point of view. So let's get started.
I'd pat him.


The real reason why I created this blog, which was 4 years back, in 2009-2010 was because I wanted to impress someone I liked in my Secondary One class. (that person was definitely not Indian nor Malay, but rather she was Chinese. If you thought of a 'he', you must have some sexual problems.) Nevertheless, I don't really feel ashamed to say it out aloud, but obviously I won't be naming people in this for it is just a casual post and not some dedicated confession. At that point of time, my blog wasn't called 'MindOfLincoln', but rather it was called 'WhashuppRubbaFace', *if I'm not wrong* and that title was clearly inspired by what my crush called me when she saw my email nickname 'RubbaFace'. At first, I decided to use my blog to impress my crush, but she didn't buy it. Hence, I decided that I should do some parodies after I made fun of my Indian classmate with a song in which I was rewarded with a smack to my back. Therefore, you can understand why my blog is half-filled with parodies and half-filled with satire as well as nonsense. 
Lousy caption is lousy.


As time went by, I didn't really liked my crush anymore, it was just puppy love. I know you guys must be thinking : 'Woah, this dude's a complete douchebag/asshole that annoys people, how can he be so romantic and stuff like that?'. Truth is, I am super nice when I want to be nice, but you should obviously know why trolling is good for your health. As a result, I decided to revamp my blog to MindOfLincoln, in which a more 'matured' *I know it's a lie* person would take control of this used-to-be parody blog. In Secondary Two, one of my classmates told me I was constantly stared at by another female student, whom I will not name, and to my amusement, I didn't give a single sh*t at all. No really. However, due to my psychic abilities (more of situational awareness and logical inference), I managed to actually catch her staring at me. Now at that time, I only had two options. One,  which was to not give half a sh*t, which might lead to either further infatuation or just completely nothing or two, which was to pretend to give a sh*t, in which I did. Body language really matters and well, clearly I could tell by now the 'staring' thing wasn't a coincidence. I'm not saying I liked her, get this clear, but rather I was aware of my current situation. And because I'm such a oh-so-good troll, I decided to message her and ask her whether she liked me, in which I told her who I was. Ultimately, the response was no, accompanied by huge signals of disgust and annoyance. Nevertheless, it didn't really bother me. But clearly it wasn't the end as I had predicted. Do note that through this post, you should know I would have deduced certain things by certain time frames. I just want to sound humble LOL.
Throughout the year, there was constant stares, brush-offs (physical contact in which I was repelled to) and maybe even gossip. (not maybe, definitely). I also detested greatly, the perfume my crush put on. And yes, I did put on a great act in front and behind of her to act the least bit interested when I really wasn't interested. Really.
Just felt like it.


Sorry if you had to read this long, but I'll end this post very shortly. At that point I was very clear I didn't like my crush for a simple reason. I'm not going to say it, but it's definitely not about me being a racist. *I lied*
Nah, seriously. If reality actually meant anything to her, she'd be the last person to face it. Trust me. It's as if I could read a book inside out, which I thoroughly did to my crush and realized that she was clearly out of my criteria. *Yes, it's an insult*. Another notable event is that I single-handedly, or maybe with the help of 2-3 people, owned the living sh*t out of my crush and her group as they had literally put a dustbin on my classmate's head which angered me. And when I'm angry, sh*t happens. No doubt. I chanted rather direct insults to them and obviously my crush, being a coward, stood there completely silent and awestruck. But all that's happened has already happened. All that matters is that I annoyed people like a skillful douchebag and I created this blog thanks to the first person I like. Without her, I'd probably be blog-less, much so to say having a 'kickass guide' with 10,000 views. I guess it's all about fate isn't it? 
-Lincoln. *This has to be one of the rarest post ever*

Saturday, January 19, 2013

SUGAR RUSH

I'm not on sugar rush, but it sure looked like I did.
Get hyper.
Short post. Enjoy. 
-Lincoln

Friday, January 18, 2013

GUIDE TO PISS OFF YOUR CRUSH.

Tired of your constantly annoying crush pestering you day and night? Always wondering how to get rid of him/her? Well, you've come to the right place! The 'Guide To Piss Off Your Crush' is super effective!
*Sexual references included. This guide is only for female crushes only. Don't do it the other way around or you will get raped really hard. May contain traces of peanuts, maleria and maybe some walnuts. Batteries not included. Each sold separately  Consumer discretion is advised. Mature themes. Please consult your doctor in the event of an accident which the affiliates will not be held responsible and will run away with your $24.95  so that they can have a good party in a pub while you suffer in pain and rip out your pubic hair. Silence means consent. Mitt Romney sucks. Like literally. 1 Second Money-Back Guarantee if your product is defective. No refunds. No cheques, just cash. Cold hard cash. Nicki Manaj might smoke weed but we don't care. Product authorized for sale internationally. The previous sentence was a lie. We feel proud about that.
She was bribed clearly.
For just $24.95, your credit card information and probably almost all of your possessions such as cash or jewelery, you get to know the secret methods on how to chase off your crush into oblivion! And because we're such kind people, we'll share with you some successful tips that have worked with millions of customers worldwide!(except Justin Bieber. We gave up. Couldn't tell his gender)
Embrace yourselves. The long-awaited, ultimate guide to freedom over infatuations is FINALLY here!
Scream your balls off.
GUIDE:
Pissing of your crush may not seem common, but when you have a f*cking ugly b*tch behind you every time you go everywhere, a man will feel the need to send that b*tch back to the damn f*cking kitchen. Or in more exquisite terms, stalking people is bad for your health. Yes it is. Therefore, you, the user, must follow these precise steps if you want to SUCCESSFULLY eliminate that b*tch from getting the upper hand. Poker helps but that would be a very corny pun. 

THE PROCESS:
1. Obviously you must have a female crush or you are just wasting your time here or you just really like reading my blog.
2. Confirm that your crush has fallen madly in love with you. If you're a troll, don't consider that option as trolls like to piss people off anyway.
3. Troll or not troll, make doubly sure by asking your friends if they can pick up the tell-tale signs of a crush which include: staring at you very hardly like her uterus is going to bleed syrup, going silent whenever you are present which may lead to a horrible conclusion that she may have one too many jobs *insert sexual reference* and the most common thing is that she will often try to come closer to you so she can spread to you her AIDS and you will be enjoying it on the bed. No, she'll just come closer to you to observe you. If you like, you may point the middle finger as this is just a minor aggressor.
4. Once done, it is important to ensure you do not like her in any way, any form, any kind or whatever shit 'any' you can think off.
5. Start ignoring her. If she continues pestering you, read step 6.
6. Read step 7 as I am a highly skilled douchebag. 
7. I'm not going to say read step 8. Read step 8.
8. Once the pestering continues, you have the obligation to insult her as you will, for she is a stubborn piece of monkey poo that refuses to give up on you.
9. Make up a story to tell your friend that you like another random, ugly person nobody would like. Don't involve people in your class, but rather create an imaginary girl or it could even be Nicki Minaj. *gets puke bucket*
10. Tell your friends or class to spread the gossip, and don't feel shy about it. It's all part of the plan. 
11. Once your crush hears it, she'll either be completely defeated, or just even more persistent. 
12. If she's defeated and doesn't pester you, you have come to the end of this guide. If she's still persistent, adopt more cruel strategies which I'll explain in the next step. 
13. If your crush musters the courage to talk to you, act like you don't give half a f*ck when you actually don't. Sensing so much bullsh*t, your crush might think differently of you and back off.
14. If she doesn't, then she'll start to be on your nerves. If she does a confession, rejoice. That's the perfect time to rant at her. 
15. If she doesn't do a confession, insult her by using any of the aforementioned troll techniques: You're Fat, 
You're Black *if she's black*, Blackmail by Facebook or any other social sites, Gang Rape *not literally rape, but call your friends to insult her* and lastly, by flashing the middle finger *super effective*
16. If all else fails, don't give up. If there's a will, there's a way. 
17. Give up.



18. Nah, if you read this, your will is strong. Nevertheless, find out your crush's likes and insult them as well. Religion, family and facial features may come into the insults but don't feel restricted. Sacrifices have to be made.
19. Lastly, patience. If you're not highly skilled, it takes time. But time will tell, and it will be guaranteed your crush will hate you like a mad dog or fall even in greater love with you.
20. It is at this point that you either rejoice for rejection, or take out a semi-automated gun and kill that b*tch. Make sure to cover up the crime scene. Like I did.

CONCLUSION:
Love is a process everyone has to go through, but it has to be mutual. So don't feel guilty if your crush is one ugly motherf*cker. First tell her nicely you don't like her, but if it doesn't work, follow the steps aforementioned. Also, do not dig chicks with small boobs, shit ass height, flaccid asses as well as lousy facial features. If she has tons of facial hair and pubic hair, kill her literally. 


-Lincoln.
(The 10,000th views special will be posted next week) 



Saturday, January 12, 2013

10,000 TH MILESTONE!

As you guys may know...my awesome view count is about to reach a marvelous...
10,000 VIEWS! :D
Just about another 100 more views and a milestone will be reached. I know you may be wondering why I ain't a douchebag yet...but fret not. I'll be promising a great surprise once I reach 10,000 views. Ever since I started this blog, there have been Bieber rants, lazy updates, crazy parodies and the occasional random stuff posted here, on my kickass blog. Feels good. Feels real good. Nevertheless, 10,000 is a special number and I would like to commemorate it. Douchebag style.
Love his tan.

-Lincoln.


Friday, January 11, 2013

Bad start to school, more impressions, sexual jokes

Yes, as you can see, I'm not really enthusiastic about this blog post because firstly, this week of school didn't really go well due to crappy test marks influenced by holiday partying and just really really bullsh*t tests with extreme difficulties. I also broke a lab thermometer and this was really getting to me now...all this bad luck hype. Nevertheless, it's still only the first week of school and my spirit wasn't going to be dampened by all this.
Just so you know, I've learnt about 20-25 impressions of different accents as well as renowned people which I often use to my advantage to troll or irritate people in continuous succession. Some of these impressions include KSI's 'sacre bleu!' which I already posted on my blog, and your friendly neighbourhood gay cowboy as well as the 'Oh no she di'nt!' sassy mama.
NOTE that the below portion of this post might make no relevant sense whatsoever, so read at your own risk. You've been advised. Somehow. Wanna grab a meal at Subway?
Another fun thing to note is that I had a day full of sexual jokes with my friends and one of them told me that the air comprises of a small percentage of breast milk due to mothers breast-feeding babies and evaporation occuring. I also told them that you could make bean curd by collecting 'boob-milk'/breast milk into a container and putting it into a freezer.
Completely senseless crap.
Some jokes were plain funny, others were just really stupid and weird. One example was that my friend's friend kept talking about alien sex and how cool it'd be if he had testicles on his head and both female and male sexual organs. My friend LOL'd so hard and said the alien would be a dick head, with the testicle reference. Apart from that, all went fine and I will now take a rest.
Remember, breast milk is good for your soul. BREAST (BLESS) YOU.

Thursday, January 10, 2013

SACRE BLEU!

Short video of a french profanity, made popular by KSI.

Enjoy. 
-Lincoln

Saturday, January 5, 2013

INTERNATIONAL BLOG!

Just a short post saying that my blog now serves almost, correct me, every language available on this Earth!
So whether you're Spanish, Chinese, Polish, Portugese...feel free to visit my blog! Just remember you need to check the 'Google Translate' tab at the side of my blog and translate to whatever language you can understand in. Good day. Gracias. Merci. Grazie. Gratias Ago Vos. Obrigado.

-Lincoln.

Friday, January 4, 2013

One man army!

You may be wondering why I've decided to choose such a solitary title for a post, but there's a reason. Trust me. There's a reason. Let us begin with the simple fact that I, am part of the IT (Infocomm Technology, in case you didn't know) club. It was a long time ago...
Alright, I'll stop the wishy-washy speech.
Basically, I'm a one man army in Infocomm Club. It practically applies to me every time I step into the club during CCA time. There are certain exceptions, in fact just one, in which I have a friend who happens to be alongside me when we go to IT club together...and well that's it. To put it this way, it's a two man's army. I provide the ammunition, and well, my friend provides a certain silent wisdom and observation to what I may do wrong. You may seem bleak about what I'm talking about, so let me refresh you. As you all may know, I'm a common...I mean RARE douchebag that can do tons of impressions and accents and is also highly skilled in verbal combat, illogical reasoning and the classic ole' pain in the ass guy who speaks fluently.
Thank you. 
I will not be naming people in this, for I shall keep their identity anonymous, but I will tell you my side of the story. *Expect a whole shitload of crap*
From my humble beginnings, I started off as a shy and quiet guy who turned up for IT club, but we all know why I even chose the CCA in the first place eh. *It's for fat people, you know...get my drift?*
When I first arrived, I was briefed on basic instructions like how to operate the sound systems and computers, which I was firmly aware off. My first day of duty began and I stepped into the depths of unknown, which was in the form of a Secondary three student in charge of me, a young, innocent schoolboy who loved peanut butter, but not bread. To keep a long story short, even though I intend to keep it long anyways, my senior (the sec 3 student), pulled the trigger by initiating the ideas to tease me by taking (secretly) a photo of me and photoshopping it with his phone to make me look like a clown. I was sad. Real sad.
My heart felt numb with pain.
But something deep inside my heart told me to keep looking for my true self and from that day onwards...I decided to be a douchebag.
Feel the power.
It wasn't because I was born evil, *maybe but still not the main reason*, but it was because I had to stand up like a man, a true warrior, and fend off myself from people who would disturb me or give me a hard time. And so my journey began...*intense summary of douchebag actions coming up*

WHAT I DID AS A DOUCHEBAG IN IT CLUB:
-Annoy people *Rather Basic*
-Come up with a new epic entrance every time I enter the club *Brain juices*
-Tell people they're non-existent *or any other variation(s) acceptable*
-Lied to a teacher that what he found on the floor was not a pen, when it actually was. *morally sinful*
-Extremely crude, and sarcastic on both ends to IT club members *no excuse*
-Told a junior secondary one member he couldn't get a girlfriend *still hasn't got one*
-Read my senior's name by a barcode I randomly created * I like numbers*
-Sang my school's song while making an entrance to the IT club. *Pride and glory*
-Admittedly whispered to my friend that I had a good EQ and IQ, leading to IT club leaders hearing it and getting pissed. *The ghost whisperer*
-Pestered a teacher till he scampered off to his office *Am I that bad?*
-Took an IT member evaluation survey and my answers included: 'go back to India', as well as' Solve X when x-5+5 = 0 *brain teasers*
-Gave a member a fapped spoon *yes, thoroughly rubbed*
-Form a two person army and turned against every IT member *patriotism*
-Annoy more teachers *not as bad as students*
-Successfully watched several YouTube videos in IT club *not really valid*
-Took long breaks *toilets, and the occasional disturbance of neighbour CCAs*
-Said I was awesome *come on, you'd agree as well* 
-Gave people nicknames *including teachers*
and a lot more awesome, douchebaggy stuff which I can't seem to remember since it happened during the course of the last 3 years. I hope the 4th year will be a bang for the IT club. 
Thank you for accepting me as a member. I'm indeed privileged.
-Lincoln.