The Epic Blog Of Mine

The Epic Blog Of Mine
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Friday, January 18, 2013

GUIDE TO PISS OFF YOUR CRUSH.

Tired of your constantly annoying crush pestering you day and night? Always wondering how to get rid of him/her? Well, you've come to the right place! The 'Guide To Piss Off Your Crush' is super effective!
*Sexual references included. This guide is only for female crushes only. Don't do it the other way around or you will get raped really hard. May contain traces of peanuts, maleria and maybe some walnuts. Batteries not included. Each sold separately  Consumer discretion is advised. Mature themes. Please consult your doctor in the event of an accident which the affiliates will not be held responsible and will run away with your $24.95  so that they can have a good party in a pub while you suffer in pain and rip out your pubic hair. Silence means consent. Mitt Romney sucks. Like literally. 1 Second Money-Back Guarantee if your product is defective. No refunds. No cheques, just cash. Cold hard cash. Nicki Manaj might smoke weed but we don't care. Product authorized for sale internationally. The previous sentence was a lie. We feel proud about that.
She was bribed clearly.
For just $24.95, your credit card information and probably almost all of your possessions such as cash or jewelery, you get to know the secret methods on how to chase off your crush into oblivion! And because we're such kind people, we'll share with you some successful tips that have worked with millions of customers worldwide!(except Justin Bieber. We gave up. Couldn't tell his gender)
Embrace yourselves. The long-awaited, ultimate guide to freedom over infatuations is FINALLY here!
Scream your balls off.
GUIDE:
Pissing of your crush may not seem common, but when you have a f*cking ugly b*tch behind you every time you go everywhere, a man will feel the need to send that b*tch back to the damn f*cking kitchen. Or in more exquisite terms, stalking people is bad for your health. Yes it is. Therefore, you, the user, must follow these precise steps if you want to SUCCESSFULLY eliminate that b*tch from getting the upper hand. Poker helps but that would be a very corny pun. 

THE PROCESS:
1. Obviously you must have a female crush or you are just wasting your time here or you just really like reading my blog.
2. Confirm that your crush has fallen madly in love with you. If you're a troll, don't consider that option as trolls like to piss people off anyway.
3. Troll or not troll, make doubly sure by asking your friends if they can pick up the tell-tale signs of a crush which include: staring at you very hardly like her uterus is going to bleed syrup, going silent whenever you are present which may lead to a horrible conclusion that she may have one too many jobs *insert sexual reference* and the most common thing is that she will often try to come closer to you so she can spread to you her AIDS and you will be enjoying it on the bed. No, she'll just come closer to you to observe you. If you like, you may point the middle finger as this is just a minor aggressor.
4. Once done, it is important to ensure you do not like her in any way, any form, any kind or whatever shit 'any' you can think off.
5. Start ignoring her. If she continues pestering you, read step 6.
6. Read step 7 as I am a highly skilled douchebag. 
7. I'm not going to say read step 8. Read step 8.
8. Once the pestering continues, you have the obligation to insult her as you will, for she is a stubborn piece of monkey poo that refuses to give up on you.
9. Make up a story to tell your friend that you like another random, ugly person nobody would like. Don't involve people in your class, but rather create an imaginary girl or it could even be Nicki Minaj. *gets puke bucket*
10. Tell your friends or class to spread the gossip, and don't feel shy about it. It's all part of the plan. 
11. Once your crush hears it, she'll either be completely defeated, or just even more persistent. 
12. If she's defeated and doesn't pester you, you have come to the end of this guide. If she's still persistent, adopt more cruel strategies which I'll explain in the next step. 
13. If your crush musters the courage to talk to you, act like you don't give half a f*ck when you actually don't. Sensing so much bullsh*t, your crush might think differently of you and back off.
14. If she doesn't, then she'll start to be on your nerves. If she does a confession, rejoice. That's the perfect time to rant at her. 
15. If she doesn't do a confession, insult her by using any of the aforementioned troll techniques: You're Fat, 
You're Black *if she's black*, Blackmail by Facebook or any other social sites, Gang Rape *not literally rape, but call your friends to insult her* and lastly, by flashing the middle finger *super effective*
16. If all else fails, don't give up. If there's a will, there's a way. 
17. Give up.



18. Nah, if you read this, your will is strong. Nevertheless, find out your crush's likes and insult them as well. Religion, family and facial features may come into the insults but don't feel restricted. Sacrifices have to be made.
19. Lastly, patience. If you're not highly skilled, it takes time. But time will tell, and it will be guaranteed your crush will hate you like a mad dog or fall even in greater love with you.
20. It is at this point that you either rejoice for rejection, or take out a semi-automated gun and kill that b*tch. Make sure to cover up the crime scene. Like I did.

CONCLUSION:
Love is a process everyone has to go through, but it has to be mutual. So don't feel guilty if your crush is one ugly motherf*cker. First tell her nicely you don't like her, but if it doesn't work, follow the steps aforementioned. Also, do not dig chicks with small boobs, shit ass height, flaccid asses as well as lousy facial features. If she has tons of facial hair and pubic hair, kill her literally. 


-Lincoln.
(The 10,000th views special will be posted next week)