The Epic Blog Of Mine

The Epic Blog Of Mine
Feel good fun.

Tuesday, December 31, 2013

HAVE A HAPPY 2014!

Hey guys! Just so you know, it's only a few hours more to...
The countdown begins!
And as usual...I sincerely wish all my viewers a very happy new year! May 2014 be an awesome year ahead of you! However, this post isn't ending here because I have my own resolutions for 2014! Here are some of them:
1. Gain weight (again, because I prolly weigh 50 kg still)
2. Be in good health
3. Get a girlfriend (optional)
4. Have sex (optional)
5. Have a smooth path of education.
6. Grow my Youtube channel! (to around 1000 subs!)
If you wanna help out, click my channel in the link below and leave a like, fav, comment and most importantly, subscribe!
http://www.youtube.com/user/perilteo
Once again, have a happy new year guys!
More awesome stuff coming up next year on my blog! Stick around! :D
-Lincoln.


Sunday, December 29, 2013

THE PICK-UP LINE POEM!

Hey guys, bringing you another one of my poems! It just so happened I was at a restaurant and I got bored and constructed a poem and this was the result...hmm.
Forget I even said anyrhing.


Chicks, oh chicks,
thee loves to dig,
dig he shall,
if the pick-up line goes well
'Hey, I'm having a sunburn because you're hot'
Alas, she gave me another nod,
And I knew I was a flop
Try again I did,
In hopes of feeling her tits,
'You are so beautiful, I forgot my pick up line,
but I know you're just that fine,
so its a great pleasure if you were mine'
The only reply was in the form of a decline
She was a stubborn one,
Making everything un fun,
But determined I was
To make her my horse
'Is your dad an art thief?'
Because you are a masterpiece'
I tease, and the words came out with ease,
but never did I knew, that the only response was 'EW!'
My impatience grew, and I knew the time was due,
so I took a deep breath and started anew
'If beauty were time, you'd be eternity'
Those were the true words that came out from within me,
however hard that may be,
and so I waited eagerly
But the silence proved dearly,
As she failed to reply me.
My heart sank,
right to the very end.
Dang, I wasn't gonna be her man,
I sighed and sank my head,
I guess I wasn't getting laid
Yeah, that's what she said,
Because I screwed up yet another potential date,
I guess I really had no fate
My hopes were shattered, my dreams tattered,
no, nothing else even mattered...anymore
but then I heard a soft chuckle,
followed by some cute laughter,
and who else was it but her,
so I asked for her number.
She didn't hesitate to give it to me,
that was when I knew she wanted the d.

-End-
Yes. it is.
-Lincoln.


ANOTHER CRAZY GAME?!

Hey guys, posting another one of my lets plays again... This game wasted 6 minutes of my life...and is for the mentally challenged. Enjoy the video! :D



-Lincoln.

Tuesday, December 24, 2013

WHAT A SHOCKING GAME!

Hey guys! Check out this video of me playing a crazy game! You'll never see what's in store for you! ;)


-Lincoln.

Monday, December 23, 2013

A BIG THANK YOU + YOUTUBE!

Just a quick notification that now I will be spending more time on Youtube than on this blog...I'll be uploading my videos here as well...but of course, I will post funny stuff when needed or when I have the ideas...thanks for sticking around!
From the bottom of my heart.

Monday, December 16, 2013

THE MORGAN FREEMAN POEM!

Hey guys! It's been a while now since I made a poem and I thought it would be a great time to do one now. And it would about...the one and only...MORGAN FREEMAN.
Damn...I look good.
So please...enjoy the poem.

Morgan Morgan, the voice of gold,
it is only your voice that we behold,
your vocal chords sure are fine,
so much so that it became divine.
Soothing and calm is your voice,
because your voice is the only choice,
for us to hear and us to feel
whether in real or whether in reel.

Morgan Morgan, you make anything sound good,
your vocals just made me lose my manhood,
girls get wet when they hear you speak,
so why not give them what they seek ;)
The voice of god is finally heard,
and it's a guy with a beard,
no it's not just another guy,
it's the guy who sounds made us high...as hell.

Morgan Morgan, the one and only,
can you please say 'I like ponies?'
nobody comes close to how you sound,
because your bass is where it's going down.
Your voice deepens with emotions,
making men get random erections,
it probably sounds wrong now that I said it,
but your voice may just harden tits.

Morgan Morgan, you're the man,
you can do what others can't
The brink of awesomeness fills your throat,
because even pianos don't hit the right note.

Shine bright like a diamond.
Also, you can see a Youtube video of me narrating the poem in MORGAN FREEMAN's VOICE!

Tuesday, December 10, 2013

MORGAN FREEMAN VINE + GETTING 50 BUCKS!

Hey guys, as you may have known, I'm 'vining' now. And also, I'm going to be getting 50 bucks soon due to the ads on my blog! A big thank you to my supporters who clicked my ads and Nuffnang too! As a reward, I present to you, a Morgan Freeman vine. Enjoy.



-Lincoln.

Friday, December 6, 2013

OFFICIALLY VINING!

Hello guys! Just a note, I've now started officially vining! Because that way I can do impressions, reactions and many other things in just 6 seconds! I'm so pumped up*sarcasm* So here's my Vine for you:

*insert awkward cricket chirp here*
-Lincoln
*expect more vining!*

Wednesday, December 4, 2013

THE ULTIMATE ONE-LINER GUIDE.

Hey there! Are you wondering why you can't reject people or piss people off?
Totally reliable customer.
Is your life getting duller by the minute?
Yes, even kids.
Is your mother available for a date with me?
HECK YES.
I'm kidding about the last question. Well, fret not my fellow friends and earthlings! You've come to the right place. The solution for all your problems comes in the form of....ONE LINERS!
Yes, you may be wondering why do I have to use them? Well, it's obviously to help you get out of any sticky situation! Just imagine a scenario, when you are participating in your junior college's ice breaker session and the teacher-in-charge there asks you to introduce yourself. If you use ONE LINERS, and say 'How does the female vagina look like?', it is a guaranteed success for you to make friends. *not really*
In fact, this guide has tons of one-liners to get you out of almost any sticky situation. *it actually gets you into any situation*
That's right.
For example:
1. When you are meeting with random strangers and they engage in normal conversation with you, you say:
-That's what she said.
-Oh no she didn't
-There are too many people in this world, we need a new plague
-Hi

2. When you meet someone obese:
-A good detective knows that a fat person is obese
-How are you doing, gravity?
-Hi lard
-I pity what you are standing/sitting on.

3.When you talk to a group
-There's no 'I' in team, but then again, there's a 'me'.
-Hi me.
-I see only clothes, not faces.

4. When you see retarded people
-You make me feel better about myself.
- I shall not call you a retard because that's bad taste.
-Why are you occupying Earth space?

5. When you give a speech to a large whole audience
-The key to happiness is a key.
-How does the female vagina look like?
-Positivity is key to life, and monopoly coz everyone loves that.
-Other than knowing 75 percent of the earth is covered in water, the other 25 percent comprises of idiots here.
-Can you guys self-detonate?
*The following topic may be offensive to some, so up till now, skip this blog post*
6. When talking to religious people
-When god watched porn, stupid people were created.
-In the event of torrential downpour, please take note God has no cubicle to pee on.
-What is 'god' spelled backwards?

7. Indians or black people *Not intended to be purposeful, only as a joke, no malice intended*
-You make very good thermometers!
-Infra-red!
-We need more lights!
- You help boost the perfume industry!
8. Woman.
-Women exist because they are a sub species of men as told from the spelling.
-Stay in the kitchen.
-What's up wo? *deep joke, if you can tell. If she asks 'what are you calling me?' you tell her 'wo' coz she ain't no man'

This is how effective ONE LINERS are! So try it now and feel proud about your life like I did. *not really*
ONE-LINERs absolutely rock! Take the step forward and use the above suggested one-liners to improve your life!
Mojo.
-Lincoln.

Monday, December 2, 2013

LIFE AS AN ONLY CHILD.

Yeah, you might be wondering why do I start rumbling on about this random topic? Meh, I just felt like it since I'm typing this after midnight. Please take note it is only at this juncture that you'll witness one of the rarest, historical moments in the entire history of my blog, for I will type, my life, in a blog post. *not all actually*

So...here are a few things you should know about me, if you don't.
1. I'm an only child 
The amount of facepalm is huge.

2. I'm a male. 'Why?' you may ask. I have a dick.
This is really really creepy.
3. I'm a douchebag. *finest line I've ever said, and I'm proud of it*

So...let's get on shall we? Life as an only child may seem good at times, but it has its disadvantages too.
The most distinct advantage of being an only child is you get tons of love from your parents, in the form of rewards, money, scoldings and other things. That would be very very nice.
The meme says it all.
Other than that...well, it seems you are the center of attraction of your parents and you don't get to fight with your bros and sisters over food, game consoles, barbie dolls and toys. How cute.
The disadvantage would be a felt emotion: loneliness. Yes, it is what I have occasionally felt in my life. Being at home, with no brothers or sisters to talk to, even if it means arguing with them. True, you may be the household tyrant, but deep down, it's rather empty. Even when I play the PS3, I play single player, MULTI-player has never occured to me, unless I invite my friends over, which I sometimes do. These are some examples of how an only child would feel like, coming surprisingly from yours truly, Sir Asshole *another alias of mine*
Well, thank god for the internet and online versus modes! I'd be dying of boredom without 'em.
But fret not, 'only children' *term coined for only childs, duh*, for if they say 'two heads are better than one', two heads make twice the trouble. Being an only child would obviously reduce the amount of family troubles you have in your life: less brother/sister rivalry and your parents save costs on raising another child. Oh the vanity.
Enjoy this post while you can, readers. The next one won't be THAT heartwarming anymore now, eh?
Of course, elements of douchebaginess, trolling, sarcasm and satire will be included.
Never ever underestimate the power of  a lizard. Ever.

-Lincoln

Wednesday, November 20, 2013

CELEBRATING 4 YEARS OF BEING A TURD.

Yes kids, I'm not only a douche in the web, I'm the same in real life.
Meh, it's a compliment.

So obviously after reading the title, you should roughly know what this post is about. Allow me to further enlighten you on the things I'm about to type out. Yes, I've graduated from secondary school. *insert applause* So this post is dedicated to my graduation; not because I love the graduation part but because I was a complete snob to others during MOST of the four years and that experience left me feeling so satisfied.
That's what she said.

Let me use my classic pointer format to celebrate my good ole' four years.
1. Annoyed countless people in Secondary 1
2. Annoyed countless people in Secondary 2
3. Indirectly bullied fat asses. (directly too)
4. Preferences towards certain races (not racist)
5. Illogical reasoning + arguments and still wining people eventually
6. Battled tons of Facebook wars, win rate >90 %
7. Cursing blatantly
8. Creating sexual tension in my school
9. Tricked people to go to Meatspin.com
10. Humped a teacher (imaginary one)
11. Pissed off and annoyed teachers
12. Contributed significantly to the IT club (entertainment, comedy relief)
13. Flashed timely middle fingers to people
14. Verbal abuse to a black person
15. Acted gay in front of a gay.
16. Doing stereotypical voices in front of stereotypical people.
17. Angering the elderly
18. Shouting out loud in the IT club 'Hoon Teck Puey!' (chinese song lyric)
and basically disrupting calm atmospheres.
19. Joking with people on the Internet (people call it cyber bullying, but i beg to differ)
20. Social Asshole.
 So there you go. 20 pointers. 20 reasons to celebrate myself being a turd.
Well, I may get a part time job soon. So if you see me serving you with the name tag, give a tip and let me be an asshole.
If only name changing was this easy.
-Lincoln.

Tuesday, November 19, 2013

FINALLY!

The O Levels are over! Just wanted to say now I have the time to key in more blog entries!
Stay tuned!
http://ptpower.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/04/19/5-steps-3-emails-and-a-little-kool-aid-for-a-25k-boot-camp-month/TheOffice-ThatsWhatSheSaid-Michael1.jpg
Good ole' Steve!
 
-Lincoln.

Thursday, June 13, 2013

MORGAN FREEMAN EATS KFC!

Hey guys...it's been quite a while since I last posted. Like I said, I was and still is busy with school work. Anyways, I had some free time so i concocted another impression video featuring Morgan Freman and The Joker. Oh and also, i realized I could somehow do a pretty decent Nicholas Cage Impression. More of that as time goes. Enjoy the video. Tits.

Saturday, April 27, 2013

MORGAN FREEMAN IMPRESSION!

Now, we all know who plays the voice of God in Bruce Almighty....
That's right, it's Morgan Freeman baby.
My voice is the purest shit there is.

 Now, Morgan Freeman has an amazingly heavenly voice and is well known for his narration. I've been trying to impersonate him for over a year now and take a look below....
 
The results...may shock you. (might still need some improvements but hey, i ain't a black guy)
Also, watch the video in HD, sound quality improves a lot.
-Lincoln.


CONSUELA IMPRESSION!

Presenting to you...
Consuela.
  Yep, check the video down below for my rather short impression.
View in 1080p on Youtube please...sound quality effing improves. 
There's gonna be a kickass impression coming up next. :)
-Lincoln.

Sunday, March 31, 2013

Why So Serious Joker Impression!

Ahh yes...this way way better than the previous impression. So do compare it with the actual scene in The Dark Knight. Enjoy. Please watch this video in 720p on Youtube, the sound quality is so much clearer and better.

Will be doing more when I'm free.
-Lincoln.

Saturday, March 30, 2013

COMIC BOOK GUY AND MR. BURNS IMPRESSION!

Just a quick update that I've made a Youtube channel for impressions and I'll be just embedding the video on this blog itself, you guys can go see it on Youtube if you want.
Anyways...enjoy. (please listen in 720p on YouTube, the sound quality really improves)
  

More impressions, don't worry. 
-Lincoln.



Saturday, March 16, 2013

Epic Trailer Guy Voice Impersonation!

video



Yeah, I had to strain real hard so everyone could feel the 'epicness'.
Also, try to close your eyes to hear the voice, there is a added effect to it.
-Lincoln. (this isn't my best one, it's the more over used one. if i'm free i'll upload a way better one)

I DO VOICES!

Well, because I'm really really busy with school work and school-related activities as well as my upcoming piano exam, I can only provide you with a convenient source of entertainment: Voice Impersonation.
You may sound surprised, but I can do voices. And yes, it comes with practice, obviously. So I'll be posting some impressions here on my blog to serve as content. Here is a list of some voices I can do, but obviously I can't exactly impersonate everyone so I will indicate which impressions are my strong ones. *Accents are counted as well*

Impersonations:
1. The Batman *strong*
2. The Joker *strong*
3. Bane *strong*
4. Comic Book Guy
5. Mr Burns
6. Trailer Dude *strong*
7. Goofy *strong*
8. Mickey Mouse *strong*
9. Austin Powers
10. Michael Caine/Alfred
11. Jim Moriarty in Sherlock BBC
12. Lois Griffin
13. Stewie Griffin
14. Stephen Hawking
15. T-Bag from Prison Break *strong*
16. FPSrussia
17. Bruce from family guy
18. Jacques Ooi from the noose
19. KSI/ 'sacre bleu' and 'welcome to beast' *strong*
20. Comforting DJ/super deep voice *strong*
21. Duffman from the Simpsons
22. Disco Stu from the simpsons
23. Leticia Bongnino from the noose
24. Mr. Pari/GESS
25. Peter Chow/HK accent *strong*
26. Dumb Blonde *strong*
27. French/Arsene Wenger *strong*
28. Japanese *strong*
29. African
30. British
31. Sassy Mama/ Cranky Ghetto stereotype *strong*
32. Elvis Presley
33. Lame trailer voice *strong*
34. Australian and Ian Hecox's Bear Grylls
35. Herbert The Pervert
36. Barney Gumble (the simpsons)
37. Owen Wilson (sorta)
38. Sean Connery
39. Cleveland (not that good)
40. Dr. Nick (the simpsons)
41. David Attenborough
42. Morgan Freeman
43. Takeo Masaki
44. Joe Swanson *strong*
45. Consuela
46. Ian Mckellen
47. Mr. AJ (gess)


Just a random caption of me doing my best facial expression to mock girls. 


I'll still be learning more, so don't worry.
-Lincoln.

Thursday, February 14, 2013

VALENTINE'S DAY

As you can clearly see, I gave around...0.00000001 % of fvck to post this but hey, it still counts. Valentine's Day is up and unlike most people, I don't go around finding true love. Nobody buys that bullsh*t.
I like pushy buttons.
Instead, I might choose to piss off other people. For example, my crush. But I'm a kind person and I won't do any troll-related activities...yet. If you guys don't already know, I have a short circuit system in my brain which can trigger spontaneously. Once that happens, you know I'm having some extra 'roids. Just a quick post, Valentine's Day can only mean 2 things to me. 

1. GET LAID *not 18 yet, so that's sad*
2. LAY IN BED *sleep yes, i had to made it rhyme*

Unfortunately...I had to go to school instead. Amazing how these kind of stuff work out. If cupid wants me to get lovesick...he's probably going to need to a bigger arrow. Or much more intelligence in working out what my brain consists of. *No kidding*
He's heartbroken.
-Lincoln





Friday, February 8, 2013

HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR!

Chinese New Year is coming up...wishing everyone a happy CNY!
Prosperity and luck be blessed upon you.
Will be busy the next few months, I'll probably update my blog during the holidays. Don't worry, I'll have interesting content for you by then. And yes, I'm training on my voice impersonation. I can do an additional 2-3 voices which is a pretty good improvement. And I have to take some important piano exam so yeah...pretty hectic life. For now. That doesn't mean my epic-ness fades away. You'll see.
-Lincoln

Thursday, January 31, 2013

E-LEARNING!

Just to let you guys know, I'm having E-Learning! 3 sweet days in a row followed by a weekend.
Absolutely wondeeful.
Just some informative information *it's a pun, yes* for you guys, I'll be telling you why people like E-Learning.
WHY PEOPLE LIKE E-LEARNING:
1. FAT ASSES LOVE IT.
I rike this picure a rot.
Being lazy is all trendy when it comes to being a fatass. So why not lower your health levels, energy levels and stay at home to do E-Learning? At the same time, you increase your cholesterol levels and you might stand a chance to get these fascinating diseases: Heart attack and diabetes! 
The opposite of 'm' is actually man boobs.

2. GAMERS LOVE IT
When it comes to gamers, they just love spamming games be it Xbox, PS3, or the great, universal PC.
E-Learning provides an abundance of time for them to focus more on their games, bring their gaming skills to the next level and well...
end up as a sad, miserable virtual identity on the internet that has very little exercise and is the equivalent of a fat-ass minus all the fats. 
Live the life man.
and lastly...
3.DOUCHEBAGS/TROLLS LOVE IT.
Now you may be wondering why I say this. The answer is simple. Trolls makes use of the internet to piss people off, and E-Learning is the PERFECT opportunity to make a YOLO believer commit suicide and not die, piss off Bieber fans, spam overused jokes like 'i took an arrow to the knee' as well as stereotyping funny people in this world like fatasses and people who believe in swag  *Usually they end up in McDonald's*, etcetera. 
The fries look nice.
and just to make myself laugh even more:
That'll be $3.50.
So if you're a troll or douchebag...REJOICE! *No, I'm not Christian*
Sorry dude.
-Lincoln.
(Yes, I too enjoy E-learning. Aha.)








Wednesday, January 23, 2013

WHY I CREATED THIS BLOG: A 10,000 VIEWS SPECIAL

I know my blog has hit 10,000 views and above, and to thank you guys for helping me reach the goal, I present to you a blog post you will rarely see from me in any occasion because whatever is mentioned here is completely honest and from my point of view. So let's get started.
I'd pat him.


The real reason why I created this blog, which was 4 years back, in 2009-2010 was because I wanted to impress someone I liked in my Secondary One class. (that person was definitely not Indian nor Malay, but rather she was Chinese. If you thought of a 'he', you must have some sexual problems.) Nevertheless, I don't really feel ashamed to say it out aloud, but obviously I won't be naming people in this for it is just a casual post and not some dedicated confession. At that point of time, my blog wasn't called 'MindOfLincoln', but rather it was called 'WhashuppRubbaFace', *if I'm not wrong* and that title was clearly inspired by what my crush called me when she saw my email nickname 'RubbaFace'. At first, I decided to use my blog to impress my crush, but she didn't buy it. Hence, I decided that I should do some parodies after I made fun of my Indian classmate with a song in which I was rewarded with a smack to my back. Therefore, you can understand why my blog is half-filled with parodies and half-filled with satire as well as nonsense. 
Lousy caption is lousy.


As time went by, I didn't really liked my crush anymore, it was just puppy love. I know you guys must be thinking : 'Woah, this dude's a complete douchebag/asshole that annoys people, how can he be so romantic and stuff like that?'. Truth is, I am super nice when I want to be nice, but you should obviously know why trolling is good for your health. As a result, I decided to revamp my blog to MindOfLincoln, in which a more 'matured' *I know it's a lie* person would take control of this used-to-be parody blog. In Secondary Two, one of my classmates told me I was constantly stared at by another female student, whom I will not name, and to my amusement, I didn't give a single sh*t at all. No really. However, due to my psychic abilities (more of situational awareness and logical inference), I managed to actually catch her staring at me. Now at that time, I only had two options. One,  which was to not give half a sh*t, which might lead to either further infatuation or just completely nothing or two, which was to pretend to give a sh*t, in which I did. Body language really matters and well, clearly I could tell by now the 'staring' thing wasn't a coincidence. I'm not saying I liked her, get this clear, but rather I was aware of my current situation. And because I'm such a oh-so-good troll, I decided to message her and ask her whether she liked me, in which I told her who I was. Ultimately, the response was no, accompanied by huge signals of disgust and annoyance. Nevertheless, it didn't really bother me. But clearly it wasn't the end as I had predicted. Do note that through this post, you should know I would have deduced certain things by certain time frames. I just want to sound humble LOL.
Throughout the year, there was constant stares, brush-offs (physical contact in which I was repelled to) and maybe even gossip. (not maybe, definitely). I also detested greatly, the perfume my crush put on. And yes, I did put on a great act in front and behind of her to act the least bit interested when I really wasn't interested. Really.
Just felt like it.


Sorry if you had to read this long, but I'll end this post very shortly. At that point I was very clear I didn't like my crush for a simple reason. I'm not going to say it, but it's definitely not about me being a racist. *I lied*
Nah, seriously. If reality actually meant anything to her, she'd be the last person to face it. Trust me. It's as if I could read a book inside out, which I thoroughly did to my crush and realized that she was clearly out of my criteria. *Yes, it's an insult*. Another notable event is that I single-handedly, or maybe with the help of 2-3 people, owned the living sh*t out of my crush and her group as they had literally put a dustbin on my classmate's head which angered me. And when I'm angry, sh*t happens. No doubt. I chanted rather direct insults to them and obviously my crush, being a coward, stood there completely silent and awestruck. But all that's happened has already happened. All that matters is that I annoyed people like a skillful douchebag and I created this blog thanks to the first person I like. Without her, I'd probably be blog-less, much so to say having a 'kickass guide' with 10,000 views. I guess it's all about fate isn't it? 
-Lincoln. *This has to be one of the rarest post ever*

Saturday, January 19, 2013

SUGAR RUSH

I'm not on sugar rush, but it sure looked like I did.
Get hyper.
Short post. Enjoy. 
-Lincoln

Friday, January 18, 2013

GUIDE TO PISS OFF YOUR CRUSH.

Tired of your constantly annoying crush pestering you day and night? Always wondering how to get rid of him/her? Well, you've come to the right place! The 'Guide To Piss Off Your Crush' is super effective!
*Sexual references included. This guide is only for female crushes only. Don't do it the other way around or you will get raped really hard. May contain traces of peanuts, maleria and maybe some walnuts. Batteries not included. Each sold separately  Consumer discretion is advised. Mature themes. Please consult your doctor in the event of an accident which the affiliates will not be held responsible and will run away with your $24.95  so that they can have a good party in a pub while you suffer in pain and rip out your pubic hair. Silence means consent. Mitt Romney sucks. Like literally. 1 Second Money-Back Guarantee if your product is defective. No refunds. No cheques, just cash. Cold hard cash. Nicki Manaj might smoke weed but we don't care. Product authorized for sale internationally. The previous sentence was a lie. We feel proud about that.
She was bribed clearly.
For just $24.95, your credit card information and probably almost all of your possessions such as cash or jewelery, you get to know the secret methods on how to chase off your crush into oblivion! And because we're such kind people, we'll share with you some successful tips that have worked with millions of customers worldwide!(except Justin Bieber. We gave up. Couldn't tell his gender)
Embrace yourselves. The long-awaited, ultimate guide to freedom over infatuations is FINALLY here!
Scream your balls off.
GUIDE:
Pissing of your crush may not seem common, but when you have a f*cking ugly b*tch behind you every time you go everywhere, a man will feel the need to send that b*tch back to the damn f*cking kitchen. Or in more exquisite terms, stalking people is bad for your health. Yes it is. Therefore, you, the user, must follow these precise steps if you want to SUCCESSFULLY eliminate that b*tch from getting the upper hand. Poker helps but that would be a very corny pun. 

THE PROCESS:
1. Obviously you must have a female crush or you are just wasting your time here or you just really like reading my blog.
2. Confirm that your crush has fallen madly in love with you. If you're a troll, don't consider that option as trolls like to piss people off anyway.
3. Troll or not troll, make doubly sure by asking your friends if they can pick up the tell-tale signs of a crush which include: staring at you very hardly like her uterus is going to bleed syrup, going silent whenever you are present which may lead to a horrible conclusion that she may have one too many jobs *insert sexual reference* and the most common thing is that she will often try to come closer to you so she can spread to you her AIDS and you will be enjoying it on the bed. No, she'll just come closer to you to observe you. If you like, you may point the middle finger as this is just a minor aggressor.
4. Once done, it is important to ensure you do not like her in any way, any form, any kind or whatever shit 'any' you can think off.
5. Start ignoring her. If she continues pestering you, read step 6.
6. Read step 7 as I am a highly skilled douchebag. 
7. I'm not going to say read step 8. Read step 8.
8. Once the pestering continues, you have the obligation to insult her as you will, for she is a stubborn piece of monkey poo that refuses to give up on you.
9. Make up a story to tell your friend that you like another random, ugly person nobody would like. Don't involve people in your class, but rather create an imaginary girl or it could even be Nicki Minaj. *gets puke bucket*
10. Tell your friends or class to spread the gossip, and don't feel shy about it. It's all part of the plan. 
11. Once your crush hears it, she'll either be completely defeated, or just even more persistent. 
12. If she's defeated and doesn't pester you, you have come to the end of this guide. If she's still persistent, adopt more cruel strategies which I'll explain in the next step. 
13. If your crush musters the courage to talk to you, act like you don't give half a f*ck when you actually don't. Sensing so much bullsh*t, your crush might think differently of you and back off.
14. If she doesn't, then she'll start to be on your nerves. If she does a confession, rejoice. That's the perfect time to rant at her. 
15. If she doesn't do a confession, insult her by using any of the aforementioned troll techniques: You're Fat, 
You're Black *if she's black*, Blackmail by Facebook or any other social sites, Gang Rape *not literally rape, but call your friends to insult her* and lastly, by flashing the middle finger *super effective*
16. If all else fails, don't give up. If there's a will, there's a way. 
17. Give up.



18. Nah, if you read this, your will is strong. Nevertheless, find out your crush's likes and insult them as well. Religion, family and facial features may come into the insults but don't feel restricted. Sacrifices have to be made.
19. Lastly, patience. If you're not highly skilled, it takes time. But time will tell, and it will be guaranteed your crush will hate you like a mad dog or fall even in greater love with you.
20. It is at this point that you either rejoice for rejection, or take out a semi-automated gun and kill that b*tch. Make sure to cover up the crime scene. Like I did.

CONCLUSION:
Love is a process everyone has to go through, but it has to be mutual. So don't feel guilty if your crush is one ugly motherf*cker. First tell her nicely you don't like her, but if it doesn't work, follow the steps aforementioned. Also, do not dig chicks with small boobs, shit ass height, flaccid asses as well as lousy facial features. If she has tons of facial hair and pubic hair, kill her literally. 


-Lincoln.
(The 10,000th views special will be posted next week) 



Saturday, January 12, 2013

10,000 TH MILESTONE!

As you guys may know...my awesome view count is about to reach a marvelous...
10,000 VIEWS! :D
Just about another 100 more views and a milestone will be reached. I know you may be wondering why I ain't a douchebag yet...but fret not. I'll be promising a great surprise once I reach 10,000 views. Ever since I started this blog, there have been Bieber rants, lazy updates, crazy parodies and the occasional random stuff posted here, on my kickass blog. Feels good. Feels real good. Nevertheless, 10,000 is a special number and I would like to commemorate it. Douchebag style.
Love his tan.

-Lincoln.


Friday, January 11, 2013

Bad start to school, more impressions, sexual jokes

Yes, as you can see, I'm not really enthusiastic about this blog post because firstly, this week of school didn't really go well due to crappy test marks influenced by holiday partying and just really really bullsh*t tests with extreme difficulties. I also broke a lab thermometer and this was really getting to me now...all this bad luck hype. Nevertheless, it's still only the first week of school and my spirit wasn't going to be dampened by all this.
Just so you know, I've learnt about 20-25 impressions of different accents as well as renowned people which I often use to my advantage to troll or irritate people in continuous succession. Some of these impressions include KSI's 'sacre bleu!' which I already posted on my blog, and your friendly neighbourhood gay cowboy as well as the 'Oh no she di'nt!' sassy mama.
NOTE that the below portion of this post might make no relevant sense whatsoever, so read at your own risk. You've been advised. Somehow. Wanna grab a meal at Subway?
Another fun thing to note is that I had a day full of sexual jokes with my friends and one of them told me that the air comprises of a small percentage of breast milk due to mothers breast-feeding babies and evaporation occuring. I also told them that you could make bean curd by collecting 'boob-milk'/breast milk into a container and putting it into a freezer.
Completely senseless crap.
Some jokes were plain funny, others were just really stupid and weird. One example was that my friend's friend kept talking about alien sex and how cool it'd be if he had testicles on his head and both female and male sexual organs. My friend LOL'd so hard and said the alien would be a dick head, with the testicle reference. Apart from that, all went fine and I will now take a rest.
Remember, breast milk is good for your soul. BREAST (BLESS) YOU.

Thursday, January 10, 2013

SACRE BLEU!

Short video of a french profanity, made popular by KSI.

Enjoy. 
-Lincoln

Saturday, January 5, 2013

INTERNATIONAL BLOG!

Just a short post saying that my blog now serves almost, correct me, every language available on this Earth!
So whether you're Spanish, Chinese, Polish, Portugese...feel free to visit my blog! Just remember you need to check the 'Google Translate' tab at the side of my blog and translate to whatever language you can understand in. Good day. Gracias. Merci. Grazie. Gratias Ago Vos. Obrigado.

-Lincoln.

Friday, January 4, 2013

One man army!

You may be wondering why I've decided to choose such a solitary title for a post, but there's a reason. Trust me. There's a reason. Let us begin with the simple fact that I, am part of the IT (Infocomm Technology, in case you didn't know) club. It was a long time ago...
Alright, I'll stop the wishy-washy speech.
Basically, I'm a one man army in Infocomm Club. It practically applies to me every time I step into the club during CCA time. There are certain exceptions, in fact just one, in which I have a friend who happens to be alongside me when we go to IT club together...and well that's it. To put it this way, it's a two man's army. I provide the ammunition, and well, my friend provides a certain silent wisdom and observation to what I may do wrong. You may seem bleak about what I'm talking about, so let me refresh you. As you all may know, I'm a common...I mean RARE douchebag that can do tons of impressions and accents and is also highly skilled in verbal combat, illogical reasoning and the classic ole' pain in the ass guy who speaks fluently.
Thank you. 
I will not be naming people in this, for I shall keep their identity anonymous, but I will tell you my side of the story. *Expect a whole shitload of crap*
From my humble beginnings, I started off as a shy and quiet guy who turned up for IT club, but we all know why I even chose the CCA in the first place eh. *It's for fat people, you know...get my drift?*
When I first arrived, I was briefed on basic instructions like how to operate the sound systems and computers, which I was firmly aware off. My first day of duty began and I stepped into the depths of unknown, which was in the form of a Secondary three student in charge of me, a young, innocent schoolboy who loved peanut butter, but not bread. To keep a long story short, even though I intend to keep it long anyways, my senior (the sec 3 student), pulled the trigger by initiating the ideas to tease me by taking (secretly) a photo of me and photoshopping it with his phone to make me look like a clown. I was sad. Real sad.
My heart felt numb with pain.
But something deep inside my heart told me to keep looking for my true self and from that day onwards...I decided to be a douchebag.
Feel the power.
It wasn't because I was born evil, *maybe but still not the main reason*, but it was because I had to stand up like a man, a true warrior, and fend off myself from people who would disturb me or give me a hard time. And so my journey began...*intense summary of douchebag actions coming up*

WHAT I DID AS A DOUCHEBAG IN IT CLUB:
-Annoy people *Rather Basic*
-Come up with a new epic entrance every time I enter the club *Brain juices*
-Tell people they're non-existent *or any other variation(s) acceptable*
-Lied to a teacher that what he found on the floor was not a pen, when it actually was. *morally sinful*
-Extremely crude, and sarcastic on both ends to IT club members *no excuse*
-Told a junior secondary one member he couldn't get a girlfriend *still hasn't got one*
-Read my senior's name by a barcode I randomly created * I like numbers*
-Sang my school's song while making an entrance to the IT club. *Pride and glory*
-Admittedly whispered to my friend that I had a good EQ and IQ, leading to IT club leaders hearing it and getting pissed. *The ghost whisperer*
-Pestered a teacher till he scampered off to his office *Am I that bad?*
-Took an IT member evaluation survey and my answers included: 'go back to India', as well as' Solve X when x-5+5 = 0 *brain teasers*
-Gave a member a fapped spoon *yes, thoroughly rubbed*
-Form a two person army and turned against every IT member *patriotism*
-Annoy more teachers *not as bad as students*
-Successfully watched several YouTube videos in IT club *not really valid*
-Took long breaks *toilets, and the occasional disturbance of neighbour CCAs*
-Said I was awesome *come on, you'd agree as well* 
-Gave people nicknames *including teachers*
and a lot more awesome, douchebaggy stuff which I can't seem to remember since it happened during the course of the last 3 years. I hope the 4th year will be a bang for the IT club. 
Thank you for accepting me as a member. I'm indeed privileged.
-Lincoln.